It was yesterday. I was talking to one of my school friends after a long time. It was but natural that we both got nostalgic and our talks drifted back to school. We were talking about school time sweethearts and who is still with whom. I asked her if she still liked me (cause she did and I had messed up my relation with her) and to that I got a sweet reply, “Yes”.
That night the conversation ended on a good note but a very sad memory lingered in my mind. It was the day I had broken up with her (flashback, 3 years back). I dint feel like calling her and breaking up. The reason being, I felt disgusted by her. I had seen her with another guy at the movies. I found a way much easier. I emailed her.
Dear #&@*$
I love you. I always did and I always will. You are a lovely person, a person who makes a hot summer day freezing cold, a person who makes me thirsty in the rainy season, a person who makes me weak in my knees every time she laughs, a person who lives eternally in my heart like the sun in the heart of the sky. But today, this world seemed to be a different place, it seemed I was living a fake life all this time. Today I saw you with another guy. I broke. My heart shattered like a crystal glass shot with a gun, my feelings poured out like water from a waterfall. All this time you were betraying me, but I was unaware of it. Love for you is a game I think, and you play it well. You kept me thinking that you are only mine, and I was a happy fool who believed this. All dreams were raised to dust today. My love, I have nothing much to say to you. I loved you with all my heart, I gave u my life, but it is obvious that it wasn’t enough for you. All the promises we made; why, why did you make them, when u knew that you couldn’t carry them. All said and done, I wish you are happy with what you have done. I will try to move on and forget you, but I know it is an impossible task. I will leave you now and will ask you to remember one thing," You love someone when you know the person so well that you can guess the time he will sneeze". Good bye.
Today, after 3 years of writing this, I feel so stupid. I was thinking that how at one point of time things which seem so intense and important, seem stupid and uncalled for some time later. May be a few years from now I will find this totally ridiculous. Life is a funny thing, makes us laugh at ourselves more than others.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
My K9 Konnections
It was a cloudy day today. Small drops of water falling from the sky, I had spent my time till late afternoon walking around aimlessly in the campus. It was around 5 in the evening when the cold was too much for me to bear and I decided in favor of a cup of tea. I called up my girlfriend who was asleep enjoying the warmth of her heavy quilt in the late November afternoon. After convincing her for around ten minutes to meet me for tea, I finally sat down near the tea stall to read the day’s newspaper. It was then I realized how cold the days had started to become.
A small puppy which was roaming around aimlessly nearby somehow found his way to me. I saw her curl up near my shoe to save herself from the cold. The soil was moist and cold. I could make out that the puppy was feeling very cold. Her small body with its dirty fur kept shivering as she tried to keep herself warm.
All this happening I ordered 2 cups of tea for us. And then I realized. I hadn’t been looking at her for about two minutes and she had found her way on the top of my shoe. Her front legs along with the front part of her torso were on my shoe with her head resting on it as if it were a pillow. The sight made me feel a strange wanting for the little thing. My tea had come by this time and I lost no time in giving away half cup of tea to her. I poured the tea on a plate and kept it in front of her. She lost time no time in trying to gobble down all of it in one go. But as soon as she put her tongue in it, she realized how hot it was and stepped back. I sat there watching her, sipping my half cup of tea and realizing the value of even the smallest spark of life. I kept sitting there till she finished her tea, licking it with her tongue. By the time she finished, she had stopped shivering and it looked like she was feeling much better. My girlfriend had turned up by this time and I turned my attention to “her” now.
A small puppy which was roaming around aimlessly nearby somehow found his way to me. I saw her curl up near my shoe to save herself from the cold. The soil was moist and cold. I could make out that the puppy was feeling very cold. Her small body with its dirty fur kept shivering as she tried to keep herself warm.
All this happening I ordered 2 cups of tea for us. And then I realized. I hadn’t been looking at her for about two minutes and she had found her way on the top of my shoe. Her front legs along with the front part of her torso were on my shoe with her head resting on it as if it were a pillow. The sight made me feel a strange wanting for the little thing. My tea had come by this time and I lost no time in giving away half cup of tea to her. I poured the tea on a plate and kept it in front of her. She lost time no time in trying to gobble down all of it in one go. But as soon as she put her tongue in it, she realized how hot it was and stepped back. I sat there watching her, sipping my half cup of tea and realizing the value of even the smallest spark of life. I kept sitting there till she finished her tea, licking it with her tongue. By the time she finished, she had stopped shivering and it looked like she was feeling much better. My girlfriend had turned up by this time and I turned my attention to “her” now.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Old ties
There are days when you feel quiet. Not low, but quiet. You feel the things around you absent even though when they are there. They seem to matter so less. These are the days you find alone for no reason. You tend to drift back to the old days of school when you were young and friends used to be there around you to look at you and say “Kya hua?”. The glimpse of a smile touches your face remembering how you had spent your childhood with those very people who once couldn’t speak properly but now are at different parts of the country trying to make their future.
Tonight I had a similar feeling. I was sitting alone on the roof top smoking a cigarette. I was staring at the moon which was only partly visible but still had enough light to light up the place around me filled with shallow mist indicating that winters are setting in. I was thinking about my school days. Every minute passed by seemed to bring back so many memories that I almost said aloud to myself “Oye, who dekh…..” . My cell buzzed. I was brought back from my state of trans to reality. It was one of those moments when you just don’t know how to react. I had received an SMS from my first girlfriend in school.
The SMS read “How you doin? Missin u vry much. :( ”. It is difficult for me to explain how it felt at the instant because only one thing I remember that I kept thinking about this that how she and I had been thinking of each other at almost the same time. It wasn’t sudden or unexpected for me as she used to send me messages every once in a while. But the message at that very moment with those words in them had a different effect.
After that I called her up. Had almost an hour long talk with her about the good old days. All was good. But the feeling I had in those very moments are something I will cherish for a long time.
Tonight I had a similar feeling. I was sitting alone on the roof top smoking a cigarette. I was staring at the moon which was only partly visible but still had enough light to light up the place around me filled with shallow mist indicating that winters are setting in. I was thinking about my school days. Every minute passed by seemed to bring back so many memories that I almost said aloud to myself “Oye, who dekh…..” . My cell buzzed. I was brought back from my state of trans to reality. It was one of those moments when you just don’t know how to react. I had received an SMS from my first girlfriend in school.
The SMS read “How you doin? Missin u vry much. :( ”. It is difficult for me to explain how it felt at the instant because only one thing I remember that I kept thinking about this that how she and I had been thinking of each other at almost the same time. It wasn’t sudden or unexpected for me as she used to send me messages every once in a while. But the message at that very moment with those words in them had a different effect.
After that I called her up. Had almost an hour long talk with her about the good old days. All was good. But the feeling I had in those very moments are something I will cherish for a long time.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
A fine day
A fine day it had begun. I do not know why after so many years of dating, I had butterflies flying in my stomach that morning. “Out of practice” I thought. I had a date that day.
About this girl I will not say much. Just that I had only been talking to her for about 4 months online. I had never spoken to her in person before. I had seen her a couple of times but had always decided against speaking thinking how awkward it would be. Well now I think I should have.
That day was probably the most awkward date of my life. I had nothing to talk about with the girl. I almost knew everything about her, family, friends, interests, etc. in the past 4 months of online chatting. For the first time in my life I was in that kind of a tight corner.
I tried to make useless conversation with her thinking that she might pick up something interesting in it; but that did not happen. What happened was that I was making a fool of myself.
I was sure at one moment that she must be counting chickens in her mind to pass time just as I was doing. With about 5 years of dating experience I put my knowledge of women to the test. I wanted to know if I had lost “my touch” with women.
At the very instant I realized something. I should talk about something common between us. Even though most people would disagree on talking about such an issue on the first date, but I had no option. I started talking. About “Women”.
Probably this was the best part of the date. We were finally talking. And just as we were about to call it a day, she said something to me which I will remember all through my life. “This is the first time I am talking to a guy so much I have met for the first time”.
Trust me people I have never felt the world a simpler place in my life. I came back that day without saying much to her. After that I have hardly talked to her but those words are still crystal clear to me. A fine day I said to myself that night. And I meant it.
About this girl I will not say much. Just that I had only been talking to her for about 4 months online. I had never spoken to her in person before. I had seen her a couple of times but had always decided against speaking thinking how awkward it would be. Well now I think I should have.
That day was probably the most awkward date of my life. I had nothing to talk about with the girl. I almost knew everything about her, family, friends, interests, etc. in the past 4 months of online chatting. For the first time in my life I was in that kind of a tight corner.
I tried to make useless conversation with her thinking that she might pick up something interesting in it; but that did not happen. What happened was that I was making a fool of myself.
I was sure at one moment that she must be counting chickens in her mind to pass time just as I was doing. With about 5 years of dating experience I put my knowledge of women to the test. I wanted to know if I had lost “my touch” with women.
At the very instant I realized something. I should talk about something common between us. Even though most people would disagree on talking about such an issue on the first date, but I had no option. I started talking. About “Women”.
Probably this was the best part of the date. We were finally talking. And just as we were about to call it a day, she said something to me which I will remember all through my life. “This is the first time I am talking to a guy so much I have met for the first time”.
Trust me people I have never felt the world a simpler place in my life. I came back that day without saying much to her. After that I have hardly talked to her but those words are still crystal clear to me. A fine day I said to myself that night. And I meant it.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Small little thing
In this time when all of us are busy trying to make our way inside the small world, when all spend sleepless nights to study to outdo the other in exams, when all detest the heat of the morning sun, when all stand united to enjoy an otherwise a very ordinary day, I stand apart.
Nor am I left with the urge to make it big in this world, neither to get a perfect score. Pleasure and pain leave no meaning in my mind and joy seems just a light moment passing by.
Is this what it feels like to lose hope? Is this what everybody means when they say you are a looser? Will I fail like all say? But why is it always me? Why am I the one to eat the rotten apple?
So many questions pass me by. I sit in my class room with dozens of others, all chatting, studying, and fooling around. I watch them all pass by. Time comes and goes like a sea tide just to touch my feet. I feel them pass by.
What I do or why I do, I have no answer to it. I know my days pass like seconds. My months pass in the blink of the eye. But where do they go? I am wasting my time, but I am not responsible. I do not know who to tell. I do not know who to express. Then again do I want to tell? Am I enjoying this state of mine? Do I like this self pity feeling?
Do I seek the truth? If yes, then what truth? What do I seek in life? What is it my destiny holds? Do I die of poverty and grief or do I make it a big illiterate?
I seek many a things in emptiness. I seek happiness. I seek money. I seek power. I seek love. I seek fame. I seek passion. I seek wisdom. But at the end will I get what I want? Will my strange path in life lead to a highway to success or a small mud road to show me a little brook to sit by and enjoy the fineness of life?
Nor am I left with the urge to make it big in this world, neither to get a perfect score. Pleasure and pain leave no meaning in my mind and joy seems just a light moment passing by.
Is this what it feels like to lose hope? Is this what everybody means when they say you are a looser? Will I fail like all say? But why is it always me? Why am I the one to eat the rotten apple?
So many questions pass me by. I sit in my class room with dozens of others, all chatting, studying, and fooling around. I watch them all pass by. Time comes and goes like a sea tide just to touch my feet. I feel them pass by.
What I do or why I do, I have no answer to it. I know my days pass like seconds. My months pass in the blink of the eye. But where do they go? I am wasting my time, but I am not responsible. I do not know who to tell. I do not know who to express. Then again do I want to tell? Am I enjoying this state of mine? Do I like this self pity feeling?
Do I seek the truth? If yes, then what truth? What do I seek in life? What is it my destiny holds? Do I die of poverty and grief or do I make it a big illiterate?
I seek many a things in emptiness. I seek happiness. I seek money. I seek power. I seek love. I seek fame. I seek passion. I seek wisdom. But at the end will I get what I want? Will my strange path in life lead to a highway to success or a small mud road to show me a little brook to sit by and enjoy the fineness of life?
Monday, August 3, 2009
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